Weeping Willow Journal June 23rd, 2026 I definitely believe and know (imo) that trees have a spirit or energy. I heard someone say once that we inhabit our spirits and it really resonated. In other words, if we are healthy enough - our body lives within our spirit and not the other way around. From my vantage point this way of describing spirit more accurately reflects the truth as I see it. As a clairvoyant (although I kind of hate that word), energy shows up in all sorts of ways. I'm sure there are different words or levels of spirit and maybe some people can name them theoretically. All I can do is describe what I have been seeing for the last 25 years or so. For me sometimes energy shows up as spots or lines throughout the body and beyond. Sometimes it shows up as a vibrant light emanating from the body & extending a few inches to a few feet beyond the contour of the body. By the ocean or lake this energetic field becomes much larger. Maybe this is part of the reason why some are so drawn to water. Maybe there is something legit healing about being by the water, not just at heart but in fact. Sometimes energy shows up only around a shoulder, an arm, the head or a section of someone's back or body. Sometimes it pulsates or kind of breathes in my opinion. There is a kind of energetic in breath and an out breath, it expands and then contracts and then other times it's just the colour/light with no breathing quality that I can see and I am not sure why. The vibrancy of the breathing becomes stronger I've noticed through certain activities like exercise, meditation, yoga, emotional release, baths, in those who are passionate etc. I've noticed also that purple streaks and spots seem to be less connected to the body. They can be but for some reason this colour I more often see through the streets, around cars, in the dark and never really emanating from or distinctly connected to the body as I often see green, yellow, turquoise, red, orange or pink show up as. Anyhow, I share this because I feel like the idea of trees having energy or even the idea of someone seeing energy can be culturally dismissed as irrelevant or ridiculous because of the western (biased) need for scientific proof. Maybe because of this, the reality I experience is mocked by some but the truth is it is actually as mundane as our bodies, as the earth and nature itself. To me energy is also "just" nature which is also maybe only "other-worldly", amazing, incredible or ridiculed as deceit, insanity or "other" when we're not used to it. To illustrate this concept, I remember watching this show or movie as a kid about these people (who maybe weren't quite human) on an island who could instantly heal cuts/scrapes/wounds. It seemed really magical to me because it was so fast and instantaneous. I re-member then realizing how amazing it actually was that we could also heal- as humans, just at a slower pace. It just became less cool (our own ability to heal) because it's always been the case and I was used to it by now-witnessing the slow healing process of a cut fading over time into clear skin. Seeing energy is a bit like this to me now, kind of like background noise or just a part of my reality like everything else. Though I remember at first as a young teenager, it really unsettled me, distracted me and scared me sometimes. This fear reached a peak at one point and spilled over into another way of holding my experience that allowed me to settle into it. For a while between the ages of 16-18 I had panic attacks ~ I was even diagnosed with a panic attack disorder. Seeing energy was a part of this development (the panic attacks) as well as squatting a park and starting a homeless shelter with some activist friends and consequently witnessing a lot of violence there - more than my nervous system could handle at the time. According to a few mediums I've seen, certain things I experienced as a young person, blew my system wide open. Too open I have felt at times... but an experience I would never trade in for anything really. Maybe it's due to trauma, then again, maybe it's just due to being a little too Piscean from an astrological stand point. On the other hand, maybe it's also more that certain experiences made me take more refuge in the spirit world rather than the physical one I am in. Though truly they are one and the same to me. The first time I remember seeing energy, or clocking it as such (what was happening) was during tent city in 2001. Some days I slept in the park with my activist friends/fellow unhoused folks and other nights I worked as a nanny for these three boys while their parents were over-seas working for doctors without borders/as a night nurse. I was putting them to bed one night after reading a few books and I just noticed this green energy in the room with us breathing as it does throughout the night. I couldn't say if it was coming off of us or just existing on it's own and I often still can't decipher the difference but mostly I just noticed what was happening and was a bit transfixed, almost hypnotized you could say. Even now when I see this same energy sometimes even fill a room, or especially when I'm super relaxed and in the bath or after a good cathartic cry ~ I feel the same way like I am hooked on it or maybe it just really comforts me and I can rest in this feeling that it's still here, I'm still here, still alive and that I'll never really die. That part of me anyway. To get back to the peak moment of fear that spilled over into a better way of holding things... I kept having this anxiety as a teenager, or better yet this fear- infused - thought that maybe I was dead and I just didn't know or kept forgetting and was stuck in some other in between realm. This kind of fearful thinking is juicy ripe medicine when we employ self-inquiry. One day instead of panicking about it, I asked myself instead, so what, what if I am dead? Do I still appreciate my experience? Is it one that I still enjoy or maybe even enjoy more now that it's a bit different? At this point, through self-inquiry I made a clear decision that it didn't really matter to me if I was dead, my reality wasn't that different and I still enjoyed it. Any time that same fear popped up I just countered it from that point on with another thought "so what, who cares, I like it!" At heart I think I was feeling un-grounded and needed to develop some deeper self trust to contain my own experience as it was shape-shifting before me and I think in retrospect - part of that distrust was due to feeling like it was happening to me without my consent. The ability was and still is quite involuntary as much of existence is I suppose. Do we choose to be born, do we choose to die? We have agency about a lot in between but a lot of what we experience here is often largely out of our hands. Some things take some getting used to and when we do they usually become quite mundane. Back to the willow, although it's perhaps anthropomorphic to give a tree a face (depicting a dryad as was requested with this willow commission), I think doing so also reminds us that trees should be cared for and respected as much as humans. Maybe we can let go of anthropomorphism once we let go of our own human importance ~ once we abandon power over strategies and de-centralize oursleves. Until that day arrives, I'm okay with giving trees some human characteristics even if their being/spirit/essence shows up quite differently in reality.

Gemini New Moon Sunday June 14th, 2026 10:54 pm EST We're in Gemini season and as with all new moons we have the moon transiting the same sign as the sun- with Uranus co present as well - square the nodes in Pisces (north node) and Virgo (south node). This is the first new moon in Gemini with Uranus in tow, who will continue to occupy this sign for the next 7 years or so. This may mean something different for each of us depending on how things are landing personally. With Gemini energy there is often a lot of moving pieces we're juggling whether internally, physically, inter-personally, with work, relationship, health wise- you name it. Over-anaylsis paralysis can plague us when there's a lot of Gemini energy to move through. Communication and the intellect may also be on over-drive. Lots to think about, to parse through and mull over. There may be some pivots, changes, openings or endings unfolding and the need to talk about it. With a lot of air and fire at play, sometimes it's helpful to slow things down a bit where we can, to pause and just let things percolate. Mars in Tauraus wants us to: feel grounded, secure and embodied with all we're moving through. Some things I personally love about Gemini energy if we want to consciously shift things for ourselves to play out more favourably is to get in touch with our inner child- to play, to be spontaneous and perhaps bring a light hearted quality to whatever heaviness may accompany this moon with the tension of the nodes. We can be social, open minded and communicative, we can embrace nuance, adaptability and be curious and contemplative instead of needing to know exactly how things will unfold right away. We can also avoid engaging in the black magic of gossip . We can hold the information we receive with care and recognize the power we have in the perspectives we hold and how we share what we've been told with others. We can be open to shifting modes, to adopting new mind sets, to challenging the thoughts we have that get in our way, the ones that shape our beliefs and shift how we may feel & operate in the world at large in negative or positive ways.

Taurus New Moon (trigger warning - SV & CSA discussed - cause Algol) May 16th, 4 pm EST This New Moon in Taurus is conjunct both Algol (a fixed star), Mercury (the messenger) and the Sun. With Mercury having been Cazimi just the other day (Thursday), perhaps something has come to light in whatever realm Taurus occupies for each of us. Algol complicates things at this seeding point come Saturday, but personally I’m not into astrology for the pop culture fear mongering that often prevails. I believe Algol (the demon star) can be a catalyst for a lot of positive growth, especially with some aspects at play (Moon sextile Jupiter and trine Pluto). In facing the dark edges of this moon and our own shadows/projections/fears/rage/inner demons etc. with loving kindness, we can free up a lot of vital energy (potentially). Algol, “also known as Beta Persei, is a famous bright multiple star system in the constellation Perseus. Apparently, it is one of the first non-nova variable stars discovered, meaning stars that change in brightness due to intrinsic physical changes (pulsation, eruption) or extrinsic factors (eclipses), rather than explosive thermonuclear outbursts. Well known for its regular, visible dimming caused by an eclipsing binary system, it is seen as the eye of Medusa in Greek mythology”. Medusa is a mortal Gorgon - the word itself derived from the ancient Greek word Gorgos meaning grim or dreadful which also comes from the same root as the Sanskrit word Gorjana - meaning the guttural sound one makes (like the growling sound an animal might make when sensing threat). In early Greek mythology, Medusa was depicted as a beautiful maiden (or a priestess), who was violated (raped) by Poseidon (the ancient Greek god of the sea/earthquakes/storms/horses ~ also brother to Zeus and Hades) in the temple of Athena. Instead of punishing Poseidon, Athena punishes and demonizes Medusa, turning her into a Gorgon with snakes for hair and a gaze that turned men into stone. In this story there are themes of both violation and betrayal. Sadly a familiar story and one that continues to play out all too often in our culture (victim blaming). Instead of experiencing justice, Medusa is doubly betrayed and scape-goated by both Poseidon and Athena. Medusa - demonized in her victim-hood, experiences further harm rather than repair, healing and care. Of course this myth and the star then brings us to the topic of rage. How could it not? When violence is shoved under the carpet instead of faced and responded to appropriately, where does one’s anger go? It goes underground. But it doesn’t just disappear, it festers and comes out later in confusing ways - in disproportionate ways. It’s taken out of context and then often spills out on to the wrong people... Instead of turning everyone to stone, is there a better way to attend to our collective grief & rage rather than repressing it or misdirecting it? I’m sure we can all think of ways these themes have been playing out on the world stage and maybe even in our own personal lives, whether historic or present, whether our own experiences or the experiences of those we love. Personally, I can unfortunately think of so, so many and there is some measure of beauty and relief in carrying this collective pain and grief together, as we do, instead of alone in isolation. It’s a collective problem we face, one that we have been facing for centuries. It’s a common story and it’s also one that is deeply rooted in patriarchy and needs to be healed from all sides. Casting people out isn’t the way in my opinion, punishment isn’t the way, demonizing isn’t the way, scape-goating isn’t the way, victim-blaming isn't the way, revenge isn’t the way, further violence isn’t the way. How do we end sexual violence without creating more harm? This is a big, big question, likely to contend with over lifetimes. According to Mia Mingus (an American writer, educator, and community organizer who focuses on issues of disability justice), if we wanted to lock all the people up who have been violent in some way, we’d be locking up most people. She explains this further in the following passage... “If you look at literally most any study done within the last 15 to 20 years, all of the statistics, really no matter what form of intimate or sexual violence you’re looking at, are at epidemic levels. With child sexual abuse, we have estimates like 1 in 4 girls, 1 in 6 boys—those numbers are epidemic rates. And we know that child sexual abuse is one of the most underreported forms of violence. When I say that it’s not just a couple of bad apples, it’s because I grew up in this type of work, seeing that it was my friend’s families, that it was people that I knew who were involved in intimate violence. I got a sense really early on that it’s not just like we can hunt out these couple of bad eggs and once we find them, we’ll lock them away in some prison cell and then everything will be okay. The reality is that intimate and sexual violence is happening all the time. That it’s actually the norm in our society. When we look at those statistics, it’s most of us. If we’re going to lock up anybody who has ever been violent or done harm, we’d be locking up most people. We’d be locking up the people with whom we have relationships, our family members, our friends.” In light of this reality, transformative justice is one viable solution, but it’s one that needs to be embedded in our culture from the get go (like in schools and places of employment, in the community etc.) and accessible to everyone and we’re not there yeT, far far from it. But we can get there someday I believe. Here is the whole thread/interview with Mia Mingus exploring this possibility for anyone else interested in reading through. https://transformharm.org/tj_resource/ending-child-sexual-abuse-a-transformative-justice-handbook/ In just this one example between Medusa, Athena and Poseidon, think of how much less pain would have transpired for everyone if they had had access to a restorative circles process and a skilled facilitator (or two). SO much more healing is possible for everyone when we refuse to banish and cancel culture each other (whether victim or perpetrator) for having experienced or inflicted trauma/harm which are often (but definitely not always) two sides of the same coin.. So many lives spared, the domino effect potentially halted in it’s tracks and the cycle of abuse not repeated over and over again. What other beautiful worlds are possible when we employ counter-culture strategies when it comes to responding to violence rather than the ones that continue to cause harm and eventually turns everyone to stone, symbolically anyway. In the words of Chani Nicholas, “Medusa is not merely a monster, but a protector—a "wrath-some deity" who guards against the uninitiated and forces us to confront the deepest, most painful injustices of our world, turning them into a rallying cry for revolution”. Another mythology that I think is worth employing to the aforementioned themes is the story of Buddha having tea with Mara (the Buddhist equivalent to the devil/evil/a demon etc.) Tara Brach recounts this story in the following passage from her book “Radical Acceptance”... “One of my favourite stories of the Buddha shows the power of a wakeful and friendly heart. The night before his enlightenment, the Buddha fought a great battle with the Demon God Mara, who attacked the then Bodhisattva Siddhartha Guatama with everything he had: lust, greed, anger, doubt, etc. Having failed, Mara left in disarray on the morning of the Buddha’s enlightenment. Yet, it seems Mara was only temporarily discouraged. Even after the Buddha had become deeply revered throughout India, Mara continued to make unexpected appearances. The Buddha’s loyal attendant, Ananda, always on the lookout for any harm that might come to his teacher, would report with dismay that the “Evil One” had again returned. Instead of ignoring Mara or driving him away, the Buddha would calmly acknowledge his presence, saying, “I see you, Mara.” He would then invite him for tea and serve him as an honoured guest. Offering Mara a cushion so that he could sit comfortably, the Buddha would fill two earthen cups with tea, place them on the low table between them, and only then take his own seat. Mara would stay for a while and then go, but throughout the Buddha remained free and undisturbed. When Mara visits us, in the form of troubling emotions or fearsome stories, we can say, “I see you, Mara,” and clearly recognize the reality of craving and fear that lives in each human heart. By accepting these experiences with the warmth of compassion, we can offer Mara tea rather than fearfully driving him away. Seeing what is true, we hold what is seen with kindness. We express such wakefulness of heart each time we recognize and embrace our hurts and fears. Our habit of being a fair weather friend to ourselves—of pushing away or ignoring whatever darkness we can—is deeply entrenched. But just as a relationship with a good friend is marked by understanding and compassion, we can learn to bring these same qualities to our own inner life. Pema Chödron says that through spiritual practice “We are learning to make friends with ourselves, our life, at the most profound level possible.” We befriend ourselves when, rather than resisting our experience, we open our hearts and willingly invite Mara to tea.” Instead of pushing our intense feelings underground (our hurt, anger, sadness, fear, rage etc.) or demonizing others for their unsavoury actions, another strategy we might employ instead is simply being with this complex energy, befriending it even, giving it a place to exist because it's here anyway. We might try to understand it beyond the surface level. When it comes to any challenging emotion or tendency (greed, ignorance, fear, anger, lies, illusion, guilt, shame, violence etc.) there is often more at play than meets the eye and as Henry Wadsworth Longfellow says in a quote I love "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. Just some food for thought on the Taurus New Moon (tomorrow).

Full Moon in Scorpio Friday May 1st, 1:23 pm For this Full Moon in Scorpio (tomorrow) I’m sharing a poem about grief-loss-intimacy-death etc.. I’ve been reading this book by David Richo lately called “when the past is present; Healing the emotional wounds that sabotage our relationships” a book about transference and counter transference etc. Highly recommend! I really appreciate the buddhist notions that he weaves into his work. Also that he describes what grief work actually is…which satisfied me because I feel like I have in fact moved through the steps he outlined haphazardly though I’m sure there is no one “right” way in reality. It’s a winding path. He outlines the practice of how to Grieve and Let go in the following passage: "Grief work involves the same four steps we have mentioned above regarding working through any psychological issue: we address, process, resolve and integrate. We address by noticing and naming what grieves us. We process by expressing our feelings. We resolve by letting go. We integrate by moving on into relationships that are not so projection or transference laden. Grief is irreversable. We cannot cancel or change it, yet we try. This is not unhealthy, since we are actually thereby respecting our own capacity for grief. We have to let it come through in its own way and time. This may mean that we avoid it for a while, let it in little by little, or even attempt to deny it. We have to be kind to ourselves in our grief, letting it take the lead, not forcing ourselves into a program meant to release it as soon as possible. In this practice we look at our feelings and then at the inner shifts that help us to let go and go on. As you read through the following reflections on grief and grief work, see what connections you can make with your own life. If a particular paragraph resonates with you stop to journal your reactions and reflections. Grief is composed of three feelings: Sadness that something was lost. Anger that it was taken away. Fear that it will never be replaced. These three feelings can be experienced simultaneously or in any order"............ and another part I found helpful was when he shared that "the challenge is to experience all three feelings of grief without blame, grudge, or grievance". Damn, a tall order, I've definitely failed at this but it's a helpful reminder that this is possible and a goal to reach, with dips and valleys I'm sure. He outlines that "sadness that is free of blame can help us contact our tender vulnerability as something to be appreciated, as a positive sign of our capacity for love and openness. The negative unhealthy vulnerability brings the sense of being victimized. Anger becomes useful when it prompts us to become strong enough to break through our fear or when it helps us gain distance from an abuser. It counterbalances the sadness so that we can speak up to abuse or hurt. Fear can be used positively as a warning signal of danger rather than as an inhibiting or compelling force. Notice that the fear that what we missed will never be replaced also gives us a clue: we may have entered a relationship with the expectation that a partner will provide proper and full replacement of what we long for or lost, even though he/she/they is not aware of what that might be. As we express our feelings and let go, we gradually forgive ourselves and others and can get on with life. This happens because our opening to grief, paradoxically, leads to self comforting. That stabilizes us and we can finally say yes to a world that is bound to deal us gains and losses." His words and wisdom's are such medicine to me. Truly this whole journey which doesn't always involve the trees has been a healing process for me through my grief, so thank you to anyone reading through these posts for coming along for the ride with me in my grief work. Anyhow, I wrote this poem to Amara before they died in spring of 2022. I was grappling then with how to say goodbye in the context I was in. For me it was a goodbye I had been already feeling and processing for quite a while before they actually died. In some ways I still am processing it all, though maybe more so integrating. I’ve always felt a little unsure about the concept of closure.. I don’t really feel like there’s a tidy way to wrap things up, or for anything or anyone to truly end. What resonates more deeply with me is that everything changes shape, transforms and becomes something new, again and again. It was April or so when I wrote this poem after a solitary stroll through Kains Woods, or maybe a few separate walks melded into one. I had come across some reishi mushrooms and some bee hive remnants that had maybe washed ashore with the melting of spring which made me feel linked to Amara in some way as they had recently sent me pics of some honey combs they had found in the hollow of a tree out west. Maybe this was the beginning of reaching for them through symbology in a spiritual sense, looking to nature for some way to feel connected across great distances. Like a portal of meaning. Though I know it’s maybe more accurate to say that the universe is impersonal, fleeting and impermanent. I also had a practice then of picking up sticks and naming each one someone I loved and then reminding myself I will lose them too and throwing them one by one into the river, over and over again. I think this is a good Buddhist practice, of letting go and none attachment, a real relentless lesson of this lifetime, of every lifetime. What a trip it is to love and live knowing we will lose everything and everyone eventually. Puts a lot in perspective. Amara and I had had a romantic friendship in my opinion, platonic but no less partner-y in some ways. I really miss so much the emotional intimacy we shared. Nothing quite compares. I wish I could share about this book with them because they would have really loved it. We had both read a few of his books in the past. Aside from this poem (which follows no real format), I’ve written Amara a few letters, one really sincere apology letter and another really unhinged angry letter (grief work). Word is from the spiritualist church that they actually listened/read my letters before I set them ablaze on the solstice, so I’m sure they’ve heard this poem too and maybe they do share in reading good books with me sometimes. Who knows. I hope that’s a real possibility on the other side. Here’s the poem.. and truly I’m still praying for the kind of love I spoke of ~ for both of us and for everyone. Sometimes we put the best of intentions into art and poetry and what transpires in reality isn’t always as we had hoped but re-reading this poem is always a good reminder to me. An anchor of sorts. A sentiment to keep steeping myself in over time. ……………….. ……. ……. ….. ……… …………… A bed of pines covers the ground after winters end. It’s the little things that speak to me. The smell of honey left behind in the remnants of a hive, washed ashore by the rivers expanding and receding with the changing of seasons. The melting of spring floods us all in some way. It softens me and these hard edges I’ve mistaken as my protection again. On this forest floor there is simplicity and a silence that holds space for me to breathe. the leaves become Earth and you become a distant memory of both romance and difficulty. the suffering of things Like darkness and beauty intertwined as the night sky, existing independent of me and anything I might try to conjure up about it. It’s maybe wiser to just look up in wonder at the things we can’t grasp I know you best - in my own heart and this is how I choose to carry you forward. to let go of fear and confusion, to surrender to what’s not in my control and to move more towards a love that can hold me through this experience of losing you in this way. It’s not a lover I want but the kind of love that nothing can strip me of. I pray for this strength in me. and in you. I pray for your soft landing wherever you’re headed on this next stretch of your journey . Whether to the womb of another mother or to the land in my dreams with beings of light or onwards in this life as the miracle that you are - any which way you turn. I know or at least I hope that we will meet again in countless ways, in a million lives. Maybe you are bound to end up in my arms as a child or a lover or a tiny sparrow fallen from its nest and into my hands. I want to carry you lightly like that. I love you and miss you but you’re always with me. Like waves parting but always contained by the ocean of things we belong to, that come and go and continue to be .. but it’s not without grief You’ve seasoned me in ways I can’t name. taught me critical life lessons unknowingly unfolding like this quiet moment that I’m still learning to sink into. my own embodied experience. To stop panicking. To be still in this mess of life and death and all of its tragic-ness. To be present with it and let it move through me. fully. and completely. To trust that there’s no one to blame. Not my will, but thine, the creators. To stop trying to make sense of all the things that we just can’t. It’s too intricate, too wild and ethereal to grasp. There is healing I find in just letting things be. In finding that still point of peace inside of me that nothing can touch but my own inner being. Thank you for the depths we’ve shared over the years and for all of the love underneath all the layers of things that got in the way of our intimacy. Im sorry for the ways I moved through things imperfectly. I am still learning and fumbling my way through this place. I am thankful there are so many doorways. I love you and miss you so much infinitely. Love Nat ps. The gratitude about doorways was a reference to a passage that I shared with Amara from the book "Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh entitled "more doors for future generations". Here is the passage below for anyone interested:

March 18th, 2026 New Moon in Pisces 9:23 pm EST. If we picture the zodiacal wheel (the sun's path across the sky) as the fool's journey, a path of learning and of eventual enlightenment, Aries would be the cardinal energy we would begin with- a stage where we leap off into the unknown and move through all these different trials and tribulations. We would encounter teachers, lovers, ourselves (our shadow and light) we would learn about the material world and of our own spiritual nature, we would find temperance, strength, renewal, death and by the end we would be transformed by the journey itself ~ we would be free, no longer chained to our naivety anyway. We would deeply know ourselves. This is the gift of Pisces, the part of us steeped in experience that never changes, it’s the hub of the wheel of fortune. There is this unchanging quality that carries us through lifetimes, the essence of who we really are... In the end, we wouldn't be the fool anymore we would become the world.. Pisces as an archetype signifies not only a culmination point ~ but also a point of integration. It’s less about death or endings in my opinion - it’s more all encompassing that. It’s soft and expansive, wild and ethereal, changeable and yet unchanging. It's a state of being - where everything and everyone belongs as is. A stage of deep compassionate understanding because by this point we have lived it all, we have encountered every sign of the zodiac in ourselves. We can’t really cast anyone and anything out at the stage of development, because it is a lens that transcends the parts and recognizes instead the whole. What we develop in piscean moments is wisdom. We find that our scars, our battles, the parts of ourselves we don't like, it all belongs. They are often necessary parts of our path. Life is incomplete when we skip over the hard stuff, these parts of life, they re-shape us in critical ways that chart our paths forward. Our experiences shape our values, give us depth, empathy, relateability and connection. Enlightenment after all isn't a state of perfection but a state of being whole. Pema Chodron says "The wonderful irony about this spiritual journey is that we find it only leads us to become just as we are. The exalted state of enlightenment is nothing more than fully knowing ourselves and our world, just as we are. In other words, the ultimate fruition of this path is simply to be fully human. And the ultimate benefit we can bring to others is to help them also realize their full humanity, just as they are." What a relief, no grand place to arrive at but just as we are. May this new moon offer you that kind of peace in your heart, that simple embodied awareness of life and breath ~ the miracle of being alive for this moment in time. With Pisces there is also this nature of being double bodied, bicorporeal or mutable.. Two fish swimming in opposite directions- this could depict the dichotomy between the material plane vs. the spiritual, fantasy vs. reality or a higher spiritual calling vs an addiction etc. Some say Piscean folks have rose coloured glasses but I think it's more that they can see themselves in everyone, some part of them anyway. They see the bright side and they also see the dark side too. It's not naivety but recognition of self in the other, it's in my opinion understanding the human struggle because we've been there too. The Piscean journey is more about integrating these contradictions within ourselves and maybe coming to that place of acceptance ~ being with life just as it is and letting go of the struggle to resist the way things are. It's about surrender. The Piscean journey is one of finding wholeness, of being with the beginning that exists in every ending and seeing the broader perspective that they are one and the same, inseparable you could say. From the ancient Hellenistic perspective the fish are swimming in opposite directions because that period of time represents the ending of one season and the start of another -February to March. One fish is swimming in winter - in cold hibernation mode and the other is moving towards spring - witnessing the fresh green grass emerge, bird song and crocuses sprouting to life. But truly, all of the seasons are part of a cycle that never ends. They are not that distinct in reality though Pisces sees the culmination point, the ending of winter and the beginning of spring. Yet they also see that it's more of a collection of moments in a tapestry of life and death that never really ends. Pisces sees beyond the veil, beyond material life to the oneness we truly are in a spiritual sense. The key words for Pisces as an archetype were described to me by the first astrologer I ever saw as "I, you, we are all one" and nothing rings more true to me as a turbo pisces myself. Happy New Moon in Pisces at precisely 9:23 pm. I hope whatever is culminating for you as Mercury retrograde is about to wrap up and this eclipse season ends helps you to integrate the complexity you are uniquely holding in your own life. I hope this new moon helps you to feel more whole and held in this never ending web of life and death.  I'm personally riding out a bad pain flare atm and writing and reading in bed are helpful distractions. Working on this blog post has been a good reminder to me to accept reality and myself as is and to find those little pockets of enlightenment in the imperfect qualities of my life.

Rowan - Mountain Ash Journal February 15th 2026 Well turns out I skipped Elder and I'm onto Rowan now instead. The corresponding dates are a bit fictional anyway. More of a modern revival concept than an ancient one it seems. The Celtic Ogham alphabet is an ancient one but the monthly correspondences I've realized are not so much. Does it matter even? Maybe some updates are needed when it comes to holy books/ancient texts but it's better if there's also consistency among scholars when it comes to those changes which is a bit lacking with the tree months ~ instead there is controversy. I've come across one book recently however - which is a bit of a memoir but also pretty grounded in describing the more traditional Celtic plant lore with scientific knowledge as well as cultural/symbolic/spiritual concepts written by someone who is actually Irish with connection to the land so it feels more valid to me. The book is called: to speak for the trees by Diana Beresford-Kroeger. According to her, Celtic folks believed that the faeries of Ireland were obsessed with Rowan berries often getting drunk on them and playing tricks on humans after dusk. Amulets were also crafted then from Rowan bark (or wood/twigs) as protection against evil and Rowan was somehow also used as a tool in exorcisms- to release spirits they say- what kind of spirits I wonder? I'm assuming evil because of the amulets... hmmmm Possession has always been an interesting and scary topic to me as well as the fear and power in the accusations made surrounding these invisible forces, for example in the case of the witch craze where 100 000 women were killed (also anyone who didn't fit the norm at the time, including children and some men). I went to this work shop on tending grief recently and this quote was shared that "all war is unmetabolized grief" and I think this is so true. When we notice ourselves taking sides, when we notice fear turning into division and power-over strategies, instead of trying to find common ground and understanding, this is when evil proliferates in my opinion. And what is evil exactly? In a philosophy class I took years ago at King's College-Western University it was theorized that evil is simply the lack of good. A bruise on an apple for example could be an "evil". Similarly, darkness was said to only exist due to the lack of light. It doesn't exist independent of light, it is intrinsically linked to the light through relationship. So in other words, evil only exists in relationship with or in contrast to all that is good in the world. I think this is true energetically as well. An energy block is not a separate entity that literally blocks energy but rather the lack of vibrancy. It is the dimming of our own light (life force) in a spiritual sense. "Evil" is merely a defect, one which can often be restored (but not always). We can turn the light on, we can turn up the love, we can share instead of hoard, we can work through conflict, we can repair. These qualities inter-are, we can't really have a world that is purely good or evil while continuing to exist in this dimension I don't think. There is a continuous re-balancing at play in the universe between opposite forces, like night and day. The sun cannot stay in one place - it is in constant motion, it rises and sets, just like the moon waxes and wanes and maybe good and "evil" do as well in some sense?! In all cases of opposition, it's more of a spectrum really.. a gradual transformation, always in the process of mutual consumption ( a TCM term). Life is always moving towards death (slowly but surely) and death is always moving towards life (I believe) which is easier to see with plant life when we contemplate the seasons. A plant slowly grows until it blossoms and decomposes and then in that rich and fertile ground, a seedling forms and bam, spring arrives and on and on. In Buddhist terms this awareness of constant transformation is known as the "great death". It's this profound moment of realization that there is no finite birth or death when it comes to consciousness but rather there is only the present moment we're in along that continuum. This is why I say happy-never-ending-moment birthday to folks for the past twenty years or so. There is something beautiful, yet also exhausting about the reality of ever-lasting life. Like our breath while in bodies, it just keeps on going with or without our conscious attention. Another line I heard recently that really stuck with me, a line shared in a workshop on power-struggles in relationship which I believe can be applied more broadly to the world at large and to this over arching relationship between opposites, it goes: "Relationship is a power struggle and the moment one of you wins, the relationship is over". A line to sit with for some time and let percolate. Being someone seasoned to the energetic world (involuntarily-meaning I don't have much control of the skillset), I've been privy to seeing energy for the last 25 years or so and I've never really seen a "bad" energy per say. I have seen people light up fully red, which is maybe just a clear visual representation of what can be clearly felt or sensed anyway which doesn't really scare me anymore than the anger itself does, it's just added information. I've never seen black or grey or anything scary really. I've also never seen silver or gold or white or brown... interestingly. I have however, felt pretty scared of ghosts at times. There is always this question - because I can’t see them, is it really a ghost I’m scared of that’s really out there or is it similar to my fear of death that I’ve spoken of before. Is it actually the fear itself arising in me that confuses me/frightens me, that I mistakenly believe is an external entity? Can it be like a projection which lends to this idea of giving my power away? I don’t know. To me, either way ~ if there are in fact ghosts, I'd bet they are just disembodied spirits that don't want to or can't for some reason move on to what I call the "otherworld" (the celtic version of heaven) which to me is a state of consciousness we move into post death which I imagine is a place of oneness where our souls persist. Maybe some disembodied souls are stuck here because they just can’t reach that place in themselves, like a lot of people can’t while they’re still alive... maybe they’ve never known love or this feeling of oneness, maybe they’re pissed off and attached to things or people here, maybe they’re malevolent like a lot of people here can be too. This is truly the main selfish reason why I oppose the death penalty (whatever the crime). I want to know where those people are, I want to be able to see them and to know that they’re not haunting me. AND I also want them to have the opportunity to change and grow, to transform. No one in my opinion is purely evil, but actions can be and all behaviour is subject to change on the regular. As we learn better ways of coping with our own pain and suffering, we learn to bring less suffering into the lives of others. That saying “hurt people, hurt people" is so true. I’ve been there in my own ways, I’ve done that. Haven’t we all. I can only really understand more than this through dreams I've had which felt more like visits with Amara (a dead friend) and also dream like spaces I sometimes accidentally slip into when I'm in deeply meditative states. Why are these places any less real than the material plane, I don't know. It's weird to me that we give so much more attention and credence to our waking state, maybe because it's linear and more consistent than our dream life- but truly we spend almost as much time there which is pretty wild.. I wonder sometimes if we lived in a more matriarchal world instead of patriarchal would we dismiss our dream states as much, would we pay attention to them more? to me our dream states are full of so much gold, so much unconscious material ripe for reckoning with and alchemizing into good growth. Courting our dreams is a rich and rewarding process we've long neglected (culturally speaking) in my books. For some of us though, our dream life is simply not something we have the privilege of ignoring or forgetting about. Back to the topic of dark forces, in the past and even on occasion now when I get into a bad head space, especially if my sleep becomes disturbed - I'll start having episodes of sleep paralysis which genuinely in my youth felt pretty other-worldly in a dark way and I've had several psychics confirm this even without having shared my fears with them. Some call them demons, entities, aliens, inter-dimensional beings, the loveless etc.... whatever you call them, they are frightening experiences and talking about them takes some power out of that fear. Call them what you will, it's hard to know when you can't see them. Although, I could see them in "hypnogogic" or 'hypnopompic" states. These are the liminal spaces we enter into upon falling asleep and or waking up. So technically when I'm in a sleep paralysis episode, I'm not hallucinating per say, unless dream states in general are considered hallucinations in which case, we all hallucinate every night. But anyway, in those spaces there were often menacing beings present. The scientific explanation is much more palatable though, which I prefer to rest in. Truly as I have aged and had decades worth of experiences with sleep paralysis - my lived experience gives way more credence to the scientific explanation rather than spiritual notions of dark forces. I now choose to believe that it’s truly just the fear itself that’s scary which becomes an external projection due to the altered state of consciousness. According to science some people (like me) wake up during the REM state when our bodies are naturally paralyzed as a self protective measure so we don't for example murder someone when we're dreaming or get out of bed and walk into traffic etc. Many things can disturb our sleep patterns like strong emotions, scary dream content, shift work and even just napping or being out of context. So what happens with sleep paralysis is you wake up but you are still paralyzed and its rather terrifying. Our amygdalas are naturally highly activated in an REM state - so, in this mode, you're completely conscious but you're in this weird limbo like space- a semi altered state of consciousness (hypnogogic/hypnopompic they call it) but you're lucid & your real surroundings are there: you can see your bed, your body, the room you're in but the amygdala activation creates a terrifying hallucination of some kind: a demon, an intense sense of pressure on your chest, something horrible happening to you and you can't move except maybe your pinky finger for a millisecond but it's an exhausting attempt. It's genuinely a very real Harry Potter moment. You know that scene with a bunch of Hogwarts students facing this mirror and a boggart, (meaning, an amortal, shape-shifting non-being) pops out of the mirror and instantly transforms into the students worst fear and they have to use the Riddikulus spell to transform it into something funny so it loses it's power/hold over them. Sleep paralysis is a real life example of pretty much this exact thing. The spell however is simply your state of mind which is a little bit harder to work with than a magical wand is. It’s fascinating to me that people over centuries all describe similar experiences, so to anyone who's lived it - the likelihood of dark forces kinda feels plausible.... Over the years thankfully though I've learned to be more identified with the witness of my experience in these states and it's been really transformational. If in the middle of the scary hallucination, you focus instead on your breath and just accept whatever is happening is simply out of your hands and the only thing you have any control over is your own way of relating to it, your own state of mind - you can actually completely transform the whole experience. Which is such a good life lesson isn’t it? Viktor Frankl once said "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedom's- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." I have felt this sentiment so deeply over the past 5 years (and I haven't always chosen wisely in retrospect) but truly, how much of what goes on around us is really in our control? So much insanity is unfolding in the world at the moment and if I’m being honest a lot of those evils (like war, genocide, white supremacy, ice violence, transphobia, racism, all isms etc) are of course much scarier and much more consequential than my sleep paralysis states. Mindfulness for me though is a powerful tool always at our disposal for maintaining peace of mind even with the horrors of the world that continue to unfold despite our best attempts to do something about it. Back then, once I got the hang of the mindfulness thing the demonic hallucinations would cease to be and when they did, I would sink back into sleep but maintain consciousness and that's when things got really interesting because lucid dreaming became possible and this allowed me to do what I love to do most in dream states- to fly. Sometimes this was still dream like (other times it would get a little out of hand like roofs caving in when lucid but still afraid) . When I calmed down though and tapped into joy, I could fly and it truly felt so euphoric. I'd fly over beautiful water-scapes, fall infused tree tops from familiar places I had been in real life (like Cape Enrage in NB). I even crafted a piece of art about it called "Flying Dream" which you can see under the "prints" tab. In that dream I felt like I was just a spirit, flying with two other beings who felt like angels to me, namely because they were accompanied by the most beautiful music. Those lucid dreams haunted me in the best ways. I almost miss sleep paralysis now for the magic that ensued as a silver lining to decades worth of wrestling with what felt like dark forces, but was probably or hopefully just my own fear. My own i nner demons you could say. Anyway, I’m learning so much more about Rowans (Mountain Ash) behind the scenes but this is the rabbit hole I’ve stumbled into tonight contemplating things like amulets that protect us from evil forces and if there’s any real credence to that kinda thing... I’m pretty doubtful myself- though placebo is very real I suppose when it comes to quelling fear. I think from this point on in my tree studies however, I will maybe mention these superstitions as anecdotal because to me they are more so fear mongering and truly fear is a state of being there is enough of in the world. I don't want to perpetuate alarm when it's something in me and in others that's been dialed up lately. If anything I want to poke holes in fear, dress it up in funny costumes, I want to transform and debunk it in myself and in others too when I can. An intention to keep moving towards anyway.. So, instead of crediting rowan amulets as real protection, I thought I’d offer something more tangible, something that feels more powerful to me- which is our own state of mind- when it comes to darkness. Maybe I'll make a cross or an amulet out of rowan twigs but when I hold it I'll think of that Viktor Frankl quote, as a tangible reminder that I get to choose my own way of relating to evil in this world. So much about the way we relate to things can really change our experience for the better even while still not having much control over dark forces. Which there is plenty of in plain sight, we don't have to conjure up ghosts or goblins, just turn on the news.. To quote the intelligence of this indigo quantum biofeedback system my ex operates to help people heal "trust in the power of your own light as natural containment and protection against penetrating energies". This is where the real magic lies in my opinion. This is not to say that we shouldn't still try to change things when we can, of course we should always, make those efforts, always and that doesn't have to look the same from person to person. We all have a role in the revolution. Also, somewhat related to the topic at hand, I keep this poster by Eric Ruin entitled “meanwhile” in my apartment and it reminds me of everything that’s still blooming here on Earth among the ruins. I'll also end this meandering with a poem that crossed my path recently. I've been spreading the sentiment around like little seeds here and there when I can.. a little reminder to hold both what's heavy and light in this world as we journey onward through the complexity. "The world is both burning and blooming You get the bad news and the sunrise in the same day You cry over the headlines, then you laugh at a baby wearing a hat shaped like a bear This is the dual citizenship of being alive Rage and reverence Grief and grace You are allowed to feel both. You are allowed to scream and still notice how good the soup is. You don't have to choose let it all in." ~ Karen Salmansohn

Saturday Jan 3rd, 2026 Full Moon in Cancer 5:03 am EST Capricorn, the sign always in opposition to a full moon in Cancer carries themes of stability, hard work, security and foundation. Capricorn is a sign that's in it for the long-haul - maybe more in terms of the tangible earthly reality, though Capricorn is also a sign of liminality . This is because - with Saturn as it's ruler it is a sign that can signify death, limits and endings etc. So Capricorn has this quality of being neither here nor there. . Symbollized by the sea-goat, It is of the land but it is also of the sea. It is in-between . It has this quality of being grounded yet also mystical and other-worldly. In death (from my vantage point) there is also ever-lasting life. Yes, there is the solidity of separation from our bodies but there is also an opening to a greater spiritual reality beyond death, aka the continuation of life. Death comes with loss and separation but it also comes with deeper connection to our truest selves, to our spiritual nature - to that aspect of us that moves through eternity and carries the wisdom of greater consciousness. In Buddhist circles there’s this idea of everyone having been a kind mother to us in a past life. This is more where the notion of Cancer as an archetype comes in. Cancer is about connection, it's about comfort and care, the nourishment of emotional intimacy, between a mother and child, between life and death and creation itself, between friends and even between strangers ~ where there can be familiarity on a soulful level. In buddhism, there is also this idea of the mother luminosity . To understand the mother luminosity, we first have to understand the child luminosity. Pema Chodron describes this relationship in her book "How we live is how we die". In this book, she shares with us that "a traditional way of describing the final dissolution of this life-consciousness dissolving into space- is in terms of the "child luminosity" meeting the "mother luminosity". The child luminosity is the experience of our minds' sky-like nature, with which we can familiarize ourselves through training. In the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, a teacher points out this nature to a student and gives the student instructions on how to cultivate and stabilize the experience of wide open, unfettered mind. These teachings and practices are all designed to develop confidence in the child luminosity. This is how Mingyur Rinpoche had spent many years of his life, and this is why he was so prepared to die. The mother luminosity- also known as the "ground luminosity"- is the ultimate nature of reality, which is no different from our own nature. It's the infinitely open space of awareness that encompasses everything and everyone. It's the basic goodness of the universe, imbued with compassion and wisdom. And what I find so inspiring is that people like you and me can always connect with it. Yet, although it's continually present, it is only fully and completely revealed to us at the end of the dissolution process- and only then if we can recognize it. When we've prepared ourselves well by training in the child luminosity, we will recognize our mother when she shows her face. Then, like a small child who has been with a babysitter all day, we will naturally run to our mother to become reunited with her. As it says in one of the prayers about the bardos that I often recite "May I be liberated, as naturally as a child running to it's mother's lap". The child luminosity can be compared to the space inside a vase and the mother luminosity to the larger space outside. Though the inner and outer spaces are separated by the vase and we can talk about them as if they're two different spaces, their essence is exactly the same. Both are simply space. When the vase breaks - analogous to death - the barrier between the two spaces disappears and they merge into one. When we use the term "luminosity" to talk about our mind's nature, we're not talking about something like ordinary light. Luminosity is the quality of our mind that is aware. It is that which knows. It's how we know what we're seeing and hearing and thinking and feeling, and it's how we have the potential to know our own true nature. Maybe it's more helpful to simply call it "open awareness" something we can practice and connect with. If we familiarize ourselves with the continuous flow of births and deaths, the continuous bardos that make up our life, we can gradually over time come to see that this awareness is the background of every experience. We can get to the point where open awareness accompanies us through every beginning and every ending, through every up and every down. It doesn't appear and disappear. It's there in all the transitions and gaps. It's a permanent feature of our mind's landscape. This may seem far off right now, but it's our birth right, an always beckoning possibility. " ~ Pema Chodron Sometimes this is how I see Cancer and Capricorn interacting, like feminine & masculine, like yin and yang. Both are contained within each other, there’s no way to separate either from the other really. Instead of relating to these archetypes as opposites, as Thich Nhat Hanh would say, rather they inter-are. Like the child and mother luminosity, they are inseparable and intimately tied together. The ocean contains the drop and the drop is still water, even when it dries up, it doesn't cease to exist, it just becomes something else. "The cloud becomes rain, becomes grass, becomes tea." ~ Brother Phap Dung ps. The quote in the image above "the less there was of me, the happier I got". Is a quote by Leonard Cohen which refers to the letting go of ego or small self/personality/our idealized self-image/ambition or any kind of narrative we attribute to our 'self' as a singular entity. This letting go naturally relieves us of a lot of our suffering. Apparently Leonard Cohen said this to illustrate the benefits of many years of meditation. For a stretch of time a few years ago I decided to draw my body everyday representing how I was feeling as someone with an invisible disability. I was wanting to make the invisible visible. Most days this was representative of a lot of pain I was in and words that often reflected what I was carrying. But on this day I felt tapped into something larger than myself- linked to a much more expansive sense of self- to that larger fabric of reality which I know intimately as spirit and this Leonard Cohen quote was lingering with me at the time. It felt like the right image to accompany this little moon update. I was also painting and drawing willows a lot then and learning what their leaves and catkins looked like. Just a little reminder to myself I guess that I am and we all are both spirit and nature. Why was there a baby? I don't know, maybe you can't even really tell - it looks more like empty space - but the intention was there. I think I was grieving the possibility of being a mother in this lifetime which was something that used to feel really important to me, an experience - a role- an initiation I didn't feel like I could live with out. So maybe it's also representative of that part of me that's been letting go and also imagining and being with my grief in a tangible way, holding that sad part of me lovingly like a kind mother would. The experience of motherhood was something I wanted deeply but I recognize in myself now that it doesn't make sense for me personally living with chronic pain in the current zeitgeist we're in. My decision to not have children is full of so much love for those beings that could have been if only I had healed enough in time in the "right" way. Instead I tap into something larger to hold me, this grief and this love which fills me with peace and acceptance. In some buddhist circles, we learn that self-cherishing causes us to suffer (maybe it even causes all of our suffering). This "I" constantly needing so much attention, care, validation, respect etc. It's a stressful way to live. It's a bit of a relief to counter the importance of "I" with the reminder that I'm not that important in reality and instead to sink into how pleasant it is to just be with the mundane, to sink into not needing to be special, to be "somebody", to hit all the marks, or for others to perfectly attune to me/my needs. It's a lot to unlearn and let go of. Maybe an intention best spread out over lifetimes. Not to be solved in any one sitting that's for sure. In other words, I go to sangha because I suffer in these ways. I forget everyone's happiness matters just as much as mine does and that a lot of my struggles are largely due to my own frame of mind. I mistakenly blame others and get caught up in self-cherishing. Maybe this is why buddhism is a practice, something I keep coming back to, time and time again. It's sort of like being on and off the wagon. That's how I relate to it anyway. That's all.

Northern Red Oak November 19th, 2025, I've decided to treat these tree studies kind of like a choose your own adventure book. I might skip ahead a few months and then circle back next year to complete the ones I've skipped, so this writing and perpetual bday calendar creation process could be a few years in the making if I'm being honest with myself. The rabbit holes that I've been going down -here and privately- kind of reminds me of the process of poetic inquiry in a way- which is a creative writing practice where you start with a word or an idea, maybe a sentence, a topic- like the tree- but it's just a starting point or an inspiration that might lead somewhere completely different than where you started and that's ok ~ it's been healing for me just to follow the thread organically, that free-flow of thoughts and feelings. I find things in me find a way of getting ironed out or better organized when I let go of rigid writing structures. It's kind of the medicine I need right now (writing), the kind of healing where you don't have to pay an exorbitant fee or become dependent on anything external- just a prompt that just naturally leads to re-membering your own wisdom, how to heal naturally, to re-frame and transform internally. It feels also like a prolonged meditation of sorts, one that brings me to all sorts of places in myself & helps me look at things in different ways. Today's meandering might be a bit more factual though, exploring more what I'm learning about the tree itself- the northern red oak. The next tree I'll be diving into is Birch (skipping ahead a few months to catch up) after this last post on Oaks. The red oak is also known as Mitigomizh in Anishinaabemowin (Ojibwe), or in English - as Royal Oak, Druid's oak, Druid's tree, grey oak, red oak, or chêne rouge in French etc. The scientific name for the northern red oak is Querus Rubra Linnaeus and apparently Quercus may be derived from two Celtic words: quer meaning beautiful and cuez meaning tree. Rubra on the other hand just translates to red which is a reference actually to the fresh cut wood, rather than the leaves. In spring the leaves are a bit fuzzy and red tinted, they are green in the summer and may turn some version or orange, red or brown through the fall. Red oaks are a deciduous tree from the Beech family (Fagaceaa) ranging from the great lakes to st lawrence and Acadian forest regions. Oaks from my vantage point seem like the tree most revered by celtic folks. Maybe because they are mighty, sturdy trees, the most "exalted tree" they say in some books. This could also be because they have an extensive root-system anchoring deep into the earth, with branches reaching as far and as wide above the ground as the roots tend to grow under ground. They are salt and drought tolerant and grow well in most soils, as well as in part shade or sun. Well they tolerate the shade, they might germinate there but won’t grow very tall and may sadly die as saplings. Their bark, often grey-green has what some refer to as “ski trails”, aka flat and smooth bark down to the base of the tree. Other oaks don’t have this feature apparently so it’s a helpful to note for identification purposes. Oak wood is tough, strong, durable and pretty rot resistant. Their leaves are similar to scarlet oak or black oak and there is variation from leaf to leaf with the red oaks which makes them hard to identify sometimes. Side note: I think the trees I found are in fact northern red oaks but don't quote me on that as the apple trees have taught me I may be wrong and very much welcome anyone pointing that out. This is especially likely due to their ability to hybridize with other red oaks. So, who knows. In the book "trees of the Carolinian forest" northern red oaks are quoted as being potential taxonomic nightmares because they say even "many of the hybrids are fertile and can cross back to the parent species" making them even harder to identify. Northern red oak acorns (the tree's fruit) have flat caps and are pretty large in size. They are rich in tannins compared to white oak acorns so are not enjoyed very much by deer, wild turkeys, rabbits, raccoons or squirrels etc. except maybe when food is scarce. byron and I harvested some this year and it took many soaks over the stove to wash away the tannins/bitterness. He’s planning on turning them into flour to make cookies of course. It takes 2 years for Northern red oaks to produce their acorns. This is why you might see acorns of different sizes on the same tree because they are often in different stages of development. to be continued...

Hawthorns turned to apple trees ~ October 1st - Samhain 2025 So I went to visit the hawthorns the other day, thinking I would harvest some haws for chutney and lo and behold instead of hawthorn berries I found ...apples....lol I was shocked, humbled, embarrassed, but have landed on it being pretty funny and a good reminder to me that you don’t reaaaallllly know someone until you’ve been in relationship with them for 4 years, so they say for people. For trees, at least a year so you can see them through all of their seasons. Another thing I’ve been humbled by this year is that I thought I also knew service berry trees because I have been feasting on their berries for years. Usually with Amara, we would bring huge sheets to lay under various service berry and mulberry trees, Amara would climb up high and shake the trees and tons of berries would fall to the ground - truly a very efficient way to harvest. We made many pies and got kinda (prob legitimately) high on berries (more on that later perhaps) as we filled our containers & bellies. Amara would also use the fabric later to make berry stained patches to sell on etsy. It always amazed me people were all about them, they loved those berry stained patches. But anyway, I realized when my partner pointed out a young service berry tree to me in early spring that I truly had no idea what they looked like the rest of the year. How selfish have I been to only know a tree in a certain season when it has something to offer me, gah, also embarrassing. Another good lesson for me, which reminds me of “good boob, bad boob” theory. Who was it, maybe Melanie Klein who came up with this theory to illustrate a developmental phase we all hopefully move through. The idea is that when we’re babies we think when our mother is feeding us, she's the good mother (the good boob) and when she’s not providing us with what we need, she’s the bad mother (the bad boob). Obviously the theory is related to breast feeding but applies probably also to bottle fed babies and meeting needs in general I would imagine. How vulnerable we are as little ones, completely dependent usually on one or two people to sustain our lives (though hopefully a village). I just think of all the little babies who had to “cry it out” back when that was the norm, so many little ones deprived of the comfort and care of someone familiar close by. I re-member reading that not being met or attuned to in these ways for babies was described by Winnicott (in “good enough mother”) as if they were “going to pieces, falling forever, dying and dying and dying or losing all vestige of hope of the renewal of contacts”. I think for me, watching Amara die from a distance felt a little bit like this. I definitely felt like I was dying too and I think my nervous system mistakenly followed suit, agreeing and perceiving continuous threat when the danger in reality was “just” the psychic pain I was in. Anyway, back to the theory - at some point we realize the good mom/bad mom is actually the same mom whether she’s giving us what we want or not. As adults this can still be a thing sometimes as not all developmental stages are completed (or stable), but we’re more likely to call it demonizing or idealizing. As a coping mechanism in psychology it’s called splitting I believe and the opposite is prob integration. Some years before Amara died in 2018 I shared about “good boob, bad boob” theory with them (around solstice time) and it really helped them understand some tension they were experiencing with one of their close friends. I’ve seen so many people struggle in this way, with demonizing and idealizing. It’s very human and helpful to know about, not to pathologize, but to understand. Makes me think of this buddhist term - maitri - which “starts with cultivating a friendly, non-judgmental attitude towards yourself, acknowledging and embracing your imperfections” (Pema Chodron), which can then be extended to others as well, embracing them in their humanness and wholeness. Some say this "splitting" is a coping mechanism and others say it's just a very common human habit we all fall prey to sometimes. Thinking about all of this I’m also reminded of “tonglen” this practice of using breath and visualization to engage or embrace our suffering. It is kind of like “using what seems like poison as a medicine” (p.c). It goes something like this (in this context): “I breathe in for all of us who get stuck in these ways, who armour ourselves against “others” whom we mistakenly perceive as our enemies, ie bad or wrong or at fault in some way, who we feel hurt by. I breathe in the suffering we experience when we lose sight of each-others humanness, when we judge and condemn others in their wholeness, in their rawness and imperfect ways. I breathe in the pain of getting stuck in an ego or pain story related to some fault we perceive in another. I breathe out knowing there are millions of others getting stuck in the same way, exaggerating the faults of others and seeing only certain aspects of them. I breathe out compassion and understanding for our collective suffering. I breathe out care for the vulnerability and the grief in our emotional pain, for our tender hearts, for the fear and anger that clouds our vision.” This is the medicine and the counter balance to the inner demons of anger, illusion, fear, dishonesty, guilt and shame etc. In buddhism, there is also a practice which feels connected to me to "good boob, bad boob theory", maybe simply because I know about it, because it’s a human tendency we have to exaggerate the positive or negative qualities in others - the idea in buddhism is that when you catch yourself idealizing someone to remind yourself of their bad qualities and when you find yourself focusing on someone’s bad qualities to bring forth their good qualities and generally speaking to redirect attention to focusing on everyone's good qualities as a general resting place (but not to exaggerate them!). I say this and suck at it, I get stuck a lot but I also try to practice this a lot too. To dig a little deeper, there is the reality in life that when we are attached “we see people as a cause of our happiness or of our unhappiness but they are not in reality. It’s not a logical cause and effect. If it was, that person would always increase our joy or conversely our suffering. A person like that doesn’t exist. When we get attached we often develop unrealistic expectations of others and it causes us to suffer. When the person isn’t ‘causing’ our happiness, we get hurt, angry, disappointed and that’s attachment, not love. These delusions (contaminated views) disturb our inner peace. Attachment is a trap that causes a lot of inner pain, but attachment mixed with love is better than no love at all. With attachment there is exaggeration (of good or bad qualities). Whereas when we see others with a mind of love, we truly see others - we connect, we feel healthy and balanced. Anger and attachment on the other hand are obstacles to our love, to our happiness, peace of mind and to our authenticity.” These are notes taken in Sangha with others at AKBC in "guelph/london" ~ words by Kundin. For years before Amara got sick, I employed the aforementioned practice in our dynamic, especially when they were going through hard break ups, I would sometimes even daily or weekly send them a list of all of the good qualities I saw in them that I love(d) and they really appreciated this. It’s hard to remember our own goodness when others are demonizing us (like ex partners can sometimes or anyone really). Amara and I were really close, like sisters or platonic partners at times and we brought up each others wounds as we often do with those we are closest to. So, I also spent periods of time dwelling on their negative qualities as I’m sure they did for me as well. We both had/have our own share of unresolved traumas and that shit can have you steeped in delusion sometimes, stuck in old ego-stories that in hindsight i think we all realize in moments aren’t really true at heart but they feel so all consuming sometimes. I will shamelessly admit, in the trauma of losing someone I loved and knew so well, at times, I got and still get tripped up in these ways, in exaggerating their good or bad qualities and I wonder how many other people do this too in their grieving, especially with complex grief when there are extra-ordinary circumstances. As a coping mechanism the idea is that when you are feeling or expressing bad things about someone (demonizing them) you are protecting the idealized version of that person from your feelings or it's a way of coping with emotional distress, with feelings that are contradictory or too complex/overwhelming. But it keeps us from living in reality with the complexity of how things really are and from being in relationship with the truth in others. As much as living in a black and white world might be easier, in reality everyone is complex, as is this wondrous world we live in - there is so much nuance running through all of it. Culturally speaking, the past 5 years have really shown us how divisive black and white thinking can be. It's never as simple as victim-villain, good or bad, this or that archetype. Also, as Byron Katie would say "reality is much kinder than the stories we tell about it". To be in reality, we have to hold complexity and truly, it was and still is hard for me to hold both the reality that I deeply loved this person, they were wonderful in so many ways, it was a relationship that meant so much to me while also holding my feelings of hurt by their distance/inability/unwillingness to respond in a real way to my bids for connection when they were sick as well as hurt by the blaming, shaming and accusing they dished out along the way in their dying. It brought up a lot of fear and distrust for me and the distance and the fact that it mostly all happened online didn't help. But these are the times we are living in. Ultimately, I know these “good” and “bad” qualities are subjective, interpretive, we all have them and dish them out and maybe it’s all a little fictional, fleeting or just lends to the fact that we are “whole” imperfect beings fumbling our way through this place or merely that we can’t please everyone all of the time (especially when we’re sick and dying). In retrospect, it was quite understandable, their unresponsiveness, but at the time it genuinely felt like nervous system torture to me. It feels very similar to watching a genocide play out in real time on the world stage. But the genocide is way worse, because every single person who is suffering/dying in Palestine is loved by so many. I simply cannot imagine, but I try to. It’s a whole other level of insanity what we're witnessing, and the powerlessness we all feel about it I know pales in comparison to the daily reality people are actually living through. I would imagine it was hard for Amara too to digest both the reality that I loved them so much and yet didn’t come to be with them in their dying when in the end they wanted me to. In hindsight, I'm sure this reality was a lot harder for them to sit with than it was for me and that’s a hard reality for me to sit with now but I do, a lot, as they did a lot, sat with so many uncomfortable truths. As we all do. Which reminds me of another buddhist story I love about this woman and the loss of her son. “Kisa Gautami was a young woman from a wealthy family who was happily married to an important merchant. When her only son was one-year-old, he fell ill and died suddenly. Kisa Gautami was struck with grief, she could not bare the death of her only child. Weeping and groaning, she took her dead baby in her arms and went from house to house begging all the people in the town for news of a way to bring her son back to life. Of course, nobody could help her but Kisa Gautami would not give up. Finally she came across a Buddhist who advised her to go and see the Buddha himself. When she carried the dead child to the Buddha and told him her sad story, he listened with patience and compassion, and then said to her, “Kisa Gautami, there is only one way to solve your problem. Go and find me four or five mustard seeds from any family in which there has never been a death.” Kisa Gautami was filled with hope, and set off straight away to find such a household. But very soon she discovered that every family she visited had experienced the death of one person or another. At last, she understood what the Buddha had wanted her to find out for herself — that suffering is a part of life, and death comes to us all. Once Kisa Guatami accepted the fact that death is inevitable, she could stop her grieving. She took the child’s body away and later returned to the Buddha to become one of his followers." ~ unknown/buddha This topic (the complexity I've named but maybe more precisely my own shame in falling prey to this habit of idealizing/demonizing sometimes) also reminds me of another teaching about the Second Arrow of Self-Blame. "In Buddhist teachings, the Buddha described two arrows. The first arrow is the natural experience that arises in this human animal that we are, for example: fear, aggression, greed, craving. The second arrow is self-aversion for the fact of the first arrow. We have the experience of being nasty, selfish or greedy, and we don’t like ourselves for that. That’s the second arrow. The Buddha says: “The first arrow hurts, why do we shoot the second arrow into us, ourselves?” And yet we do. He goes on to say: “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow; however, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. The second arrow is optional.” The first arrow arises from causes and conditions beyond our control. But when we learn to release the judgment and self-blame that we experience in response to the first arrow, the second arrow becomes completely avoidable. In order to be able to really bring compassion and friendliness to the first arrow, we must first understand that what is happening inside of us is a natural part of our survival conditioning. It is part of being human, and is really not our fault. Now, you might be thinking: Wait a minute! If I believe that it’s not my fault, how will I ever be accountable or responsible?" This is a translation by Tara Brach, she continues to elaborate ... The things that we most hate about ourselves are shaped by innumerable forces: They are conditioned by the primitive brain’s habits of aggression and craving, and amplified by genetic tendencies from past generations and the prevailing stories and mindset of our surrounding culture. We didn’t choose any of this. For instance, research is finding more and more that genetics affect a huge amount of our experience, right down to our “happiness quotient” and whether we are early or late risers. Other conditioning happens over the course of our life-experiences, whether we have been traumatized or abused or, perhaps, have suffered the less quantifiable kinds of deficits in attention, understanding, care and attunement from our care-givers. It’s very interesting to look at how the ways our parents or care-givers treated us are internalized and then that is how we end up treating ourselves." ~Tara Brach (Buddhist Psychologist) Here's a link of her talks for anyone interested: